How To Talk To Your Spouse About Problems
Need to talk to your spouse about problems in your relationship but don’t know how? Afraid it will escalate into an argument so you just keep the peace by not saying anything?
Here are some tips to help you when you need to talk to your spouse about problems or important issues but aren’t sure how to go about it.
But first, some background…
I’ve mentioned that I’m trained by the Gottman Couples Therapy method. And as a Gottman Level One Trained Couples Therapist, I have great respect for the work Dr. John Gottman has done throughout his career. He has an established career researching what makes marriage work and what doesn’t work.
Dr. Gottman – through his work at his “Love Lab” in Seattle – found predictors related to the likelihood of whether a couple would stay together or divorce.
One of Gottman’s findings was:
- Couples that begin conversations in a critical, harsh or negative way (and didn’t offer each other many signs of positive emotions or expressions) tended to divorce.
This led Dr. Gottman to the importance of “softening startup” when beginning important conversations…
Softening the Start-Up for Conversations With Your Spouse
Watch Out for Blame and Criticism – you can’t take what’s said back and words can hurt!
Who among us doesn’t have a complaint? Or, hasn’t complained?
It’s not so much the complaint itself, it’s more about how the complaint is delivered and the tone.
When our words are clouded by blame and criticism, you’re partner isn’t likely going to be able to hear the need you are trying to communicate. What likely might happen is your partner might shut down or react defensively.
Softening the start-up is asking for what you’re needing without making your partner feel blamed, criticized, guilted, etc.
Softening the start-up is more about creating an environment – through the tone of your voice and non-verbal communication through body language – that says, I’m not trying to blame or criticize you. I love you. And want to talk with you about x,y,z…
It’s about finding a way to begin important conversations without having our defenses up and ready to go.
Softening the start-up also means trying not to judge or personalize your spouse’s behavior. Because, after all, we might be wrong! And we can’t take back the hurt caused by our words once they are spoken.
- If you need to talk with your spouse about an important issue it’s helpful to remember – try not to judge what they are or aren’t doing and the reasons why.
Instead, when you are wanting to talk with your spouse about important issues, state what’s happening within you. Say what’s true for you – what you’re feeling, experiencing, thinking, etc.
Communicating with Our Spouse
Communication is key to a healthy, happy, and satisfying marriage. It’s important to be able to talk with your spouse or partner. We need to be seen and heard by those we love. Which is why communication is so important in relationships.
If you’ve been worried about communication with your spouse or partner and need help finding alternative ways to communicate better, you might consider “softening the start-up.”
By: Anna McElearney
*Blog is intended for educational and information purposes only.
