Easy. Can Do! De-Stress Tips to Help Your Marriage
I often hear when I ask couples, “how are you?” I then hear a response similar sounding to “we’ve been so busy that there is no time for us!” And while this is true and there are many responsibilities that are baked into our days. It is still important to find ways to connect with each other. Especially during stressful and busy times! That’s when it’s the hardest to do but is equally as important!
As our days get filled with all that we have to do. Whether it’s:
- Work Demands
- Inlaw Issues
- Other Family Issues
- Caretaking of Children
- Caretaking of Aging Parents
- Health Issues
- Money Issues
- Not Having Sex
- Feeling Emotionally Like Your Partner Doesn’t Have Time for You
When all of these stressors happen, it can create distance. It can begin to pull you away from each other. And when this happens, we often have thoughts and fears associated. Sometimes when our partners disengage – they are physically there but they are not emotionally there – this can be a frustrating place. A scary place, for some. A place where they may feel neglected or abandoned by their partner.
This is exactly when we do need time with each other. We might not be able to spend the amount of time you once had but I can guarantee there is something you CAN do to around this.
Creating a home environment where you both take responsibility for being the solution. You both take on your 1/2 of the solution. So, what do you do? Begin creating a marital environment where you both are:
- Creating and nurturing
- Fondness / Friendship
- Admiration for Each Other
Fondness / Friendship / Admiration
Creating a home where you both are fond of each other. Are friends first. When you think of how you can be friends first, what comes to mind? What would you be doing differently if you remembered that you both are friends (not each other’s enemies). How might you talk in this way? Approach each other in this way? Touch each other in this way? Give some thought to this…take the time…it is worth it!
Easy Ideas of What You Can Start Today!
Watch What You Say
Have you ever been in an argument with your spouse and the phone rings or someone is at the door. And when you pick up the phone. Or answer the door. You’re a completely different person! There’s no argumentative tone. There’s no escalation in your voice. You answer as if nothing was going on prior to the phone or door bell ringing. Yep, we’ve all done it, I can promise you that!
These interruptions can be seen as a gift! It can show you that even in the middle of an escalation or stressful moment with your spouse, you can behave differently.
One Way How Is To:
Remember Your Friendship
Remember how when you first saw each other every time you would come together. You would greet each other. Say HI! Kiss. Hug. Hold Hands. Touch.
When you left each other you would make an effort at saying “Bye.” Maybe you would kiss longer. Hug longer. Call or text each other when you left and got to where you were going next.
You’d say “Thank You!” when you were given something. Or, “Tell me about your day” “How are things going with that (fill in the blank) you were talking about the other day? – You’re curious! Interested. And listening.
This doesn’t cost anything and it’s within your reach each and everyday. No matter how busy you are and what you have to do. You can do these! They are baked into who you are! Easy to do, yes? Give them a try…don’t treat people calling or ringing the doorbell better than you treat your spouse. Don’t give them kindness and not your spouse. Let your spouse have this part of you too!
Talk about what you love about each other
Whether at the dinner table, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, or just randomly bringing it up when together. Let your partner know you remember them and love them by sharing a fond story about them. Maybe it’s about how you met and what drew you. Maybe it’s something specific and unique to your partner that you admired and still do. Don’t hold these in. They are meant to be seen! Heard! Shared! You could even wrote little messages on post-its and place them around the house for your spouse to find with these adoring messages on them. There are so many ways you can have fun with this. And it doesn’t take much time at all. Totally doable – if you so choose!
When stress is high and everyone is tip-toeing around each other just to keep the peace. It’s hard to focus on the positive aspects of each other. It can be much more second nature during these times of stress and disconnection to see all the flaws and faults in each other.
Instead, make a daily habit and stick to it, to realize positive things each of you are doing. And, share them with each other.
How many times, even when stress is impacting your marriage, do you think a positive thought in your head and don’t ever say it? Maybe it’s something as simple as, my partner has such a great smile. Or nice eyes. Or I love their dimple. Strong hands. Soft hands. Anything…I’m sure you’ve probably had them. And if so, share them! Tell your partner.
Remind yourself of these things too!
And also share them with them.
The more positive qualities you share the more positive aspects will begin to show themselves. You may then begin to remember times when they “helped out by walking the dog.” “Making coffee in the morning.” “Fixing things around the home.” “Was there during a really hard time.” These types of memories will likely begin to resurface as you continue to grow a more positive home environment.
Ways I Can Help You
If you need marriage counseling or couple therapy help, reach out to me, I can help.
I also provide help in a coaching capacity. Some couples might now want therapy, but they might want coaching.
What’s the difference.
Coaching with me will be more solution focused and will engage both partners – if we are doing couple coaching sessions – and the expectations are on each person’s willingness to be accountable for their part. And to begin to accept and work toward improving their ownership of the relationship.
So, if you’d like coaching instead of therapy, contact me here.