Improving Emotional Connection With Your Spouse
So what does emotional connection as it relates to marriage mean anyway?
Great question…to understand emotional connection, we need to define it. And the way I define it is:
A way of being with another that allows you to be understood, heard and loved.
To know that when you need your spouse, they are there. To know that when you are vulnerable they will support you.
Impact of Emotional Connection
Being emotionally connected to your spouse is a critical component toward having a long lasting relationship. To know that your spouse is and will be there for you when you need them addresses our primary need for safety. To have your spouse truly understand, see and hear you.
How to Recognize Need for Emotional Connection
We all have our ways of asking for connection. Problem is, sometimes these ways can be missed by our partners. Not because they want to miss them. But because these “bids for connection” can often come in subtle ways that could easily be missed.
So what is a “bid for connection” anyway?
These are invitations for connection that are put out there for our partner to see, understand, and accept. And when they are missed time after time, couples can begin arguing about the lack of emotional connection they feel.
This is because (according to Dr. John Gottman) these bids are really a way of saying:
“I want to connect with you. Can you please give me your attention?” (John Gottman)
And when our spouses miss our bids, it can be interpreted as if they don’t care. Problem is, they might care very much. But they might not be aware of what emotional bids are and how to respond to them…
What are some examples of bids for connection?
Bids can come in many forms, some subtle and hard to notice and others more direct and easily noticeable. They can be both nonverbal and verbal.
Here are some examples:
Nonverbal Bids
- Smile / Hug / Touch
- Translation: I need your affection
- Crossed Arms / Sighs
- Translation: I need you to help me calm
Verbal Bids
- I had the best day!
- Translation: I need you to acknowledge and celebrate with me
- I had the worst day today!
- Translation: I need you to help me calm
- Can you help me with….
- Translation: I need you to be a part of this with me
- I need a hug
- Translation: I need your affection
- How does this look on me?
- Translation: I need to know you find me attractive
Try this…
Start noticing your own bids. Start noticing all of the ways you are inviting your spouse to connect with you. (These include both verbal and nonverbal.) All of the ways you are inviting your spouse to turn toward you. You might want to discuss these with your spouse. To begin a dialogue about all of the ways bids are given in your relationship.
By: Anna McElearney, LMFT, LPC, NCC
*Blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only.
