You “ALWAYS” do this! “You NEVER do that!”

Ever find yourself “always” using one or both of these words in an argument with your spouse or partner? You might be wondering, “Yeah, I do! But, he (she) always DOES act like that!” “And besides, what's wrong with using “always” and “never” anyway?”

Always & Never - How it impacts relationships...

What may seem like two harmless words can actually help escalate an argument between couples. Leaving partners feeling hopeless and at times, feeling attacked. To help illustrate, can you think back on a recent fight between you and spouse or significant other? A time when one, if not both, of you used the word “always” or “never” to express your frustration? Try and reflect back on what you were feeling in those moments and how the fight progressed. If you were the one saying you “always” and you “never,” did you find yourself:

Digging your heals in deeper to defending your stance of you “always” or you “never”
Beginning to throw in things that happened in the past to add more proof to the “always” or “never”

During this time, were you feeling:

Lonely?
Unloved?
Ignored?

If you were on the receiving end, did you find yourself:

Starting to defending yourself?
Trying to prove your partner wrong?
Begin slinging accusations back?

During this time, were you feeling:

Attacked?
Misunderstood?
Stuck?

Generalizations such as these are likely to result in a defensive reaction from your partner. As you both become stuck defending your positions, something significant is being missed...the longing underneath the criticism...the need still waiting to be met. When couples are in this defensive posture, the argument naturally becomes about each others defenses, leaving the unspoken need unaddressed. This may begin to take a toll on couples. One partner may begin to feel lonely, as if their partner just doesn't understand them or care about their needs. The other partner may begin to feel as if their needs don't matter and may begin to withdraw and pull away. Overtime, this may impact a couple's ability to emotionally connect, feel safe, vulnerable, and loved.

How to Stop Generalizing and Using Always & Never

Good news is, there are ways to communicate, even during times of distress, that can help you both feel understood and emotionally connected. While it might take time to fully embrace and remember to adhere to during disagreements, it can be done!

It begins with awareness. Become aware of how often you or your partner uses “always” and “never” to get their point across. Also notice how you or your partner reacts to this. Once you become aware of patterns, reactions, and what is coming up for you during these times, you will be ready to move into the next phase.

Discussing with your partner what it is that you need and how you feel when those needs are not met. The key here is to be as specific as you can so that your partner can understand what it is that you need and what they can do moving forward. Using “I” statements can be helpful during these discussions.

One example of an “I” statement is: ”I feel ____when _____occurs” What I need from you moving forward is _____ .

Becoming aware of how you argue with your significant other can provide useful information in helping you transform your communication in the future.

By: Anna McElearney, LMFT, LPC, NCC Blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only.