Practice of Gratitude in Relationships

Gratitude and Relationships

Before we dive into that question, I’d like to first get you thinking in terms of what gratitude means to you? Do you show gratitude in your relationship? If so, how often? (Daily, multiple times throughout the day, monthly, yearly, almost never, never… ) If you haven’t been showing gratitude or speaking words of gratitude to your partner, what’s keeping you?

Benefits of Gratitude

Studies have looked at the benefits of gratitude and have found important benefits related to giving thanks and sharing your appreciation. Here are a sample of a few benefits sited by the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, in collaboration with the University of California, Davis. Together, they have launched a project called Expanding the Science and Practice of Gratitude. Here’s a sample of what they’ve found related to the benefits of gratitude.

• “Higher level of positive emotions
• Lowering of blood pressure
• Stronger immune systems
• Acting with more generosity and compassion” (Greater Good Science Center)

Now back to the original question – why are we talking about gratitude and what does it have to do with my relationship? Let’s first look at what gratitude means – it’s defined as the state of being grateful; thankfulness. At its essence, gratitude promotes thinking about others, what they mean to us, and how they’ve impacted us. It’s about focusing on what is in our lives versus what is not. It also incorporates a what can I do to help others attitude and way of being. This is especially important as it relates to our intimate relationships. This one act – the practice of gratitude – can have a lasting impact that can help partners or spouses strengthen their emotional bonds and connection with each other.

How Gratitude Can Impact Your Relationship

How do you let your partner know that you are grateful they are part of your life? That you are grateful for all they do and add to your relationship? Do you say anything to them letting them know you feel this way? Or, do you assume they know and don’t feel as if you need to say anything? By expressing your acknowledgement and gratitude of the little daily things that your partner does can add up to help partners feel seen by each other which can lead to greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy. By assuming your partner knows and not saying anything misses the importance of verbally expressing that you notice your partner and all they do. I’ve been studying under John Gottman’s Approach to Couples Therapy. Currently, I am level one trained and during my training, I was struck by his research that found that couples that acknowledge one another, and have more positive interactions versus negative, have more satisfying and intact relationships. Gottman found the ratio to be 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction – meaning,  it takes 5 positive interactions to de-emphasize the impact of just 1 negative interaction. If you hurt your partners’ feelings, it takes 5 positive interactions to make up for the 1 interaction that contributed to the hurt.

What are positive interactions?

According to Gottman’s research, these are things like:

• Listening to one another
• Asking questions
• Being empathetic
• Being nice, kind and affectionate to one another

What are negative interactions? These are things like:

• Criticism
• Blaming
• Hurt feelings
• Anger

Gift that Keeps on Giving

Showing gratitude in your relationship is a gift that you give to your partner, yourself, and to your relationship. It’s a gift that doesn’t cost anything financially to give and one that can have lasting benefits. Chances are, once you begin seeing through the lens of gratitude, what you are grateful for will begin to expand…are you willing to try it out and see for yourself? By: Anna McElearney This blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. If you live in the Austin, TX area, and are interested in couples therapy or marriage counseling, consider visiting my website for information on how I can help. Why are we talking about gratitude and what does it have to do with my relationship?